Sunday, September 17, 2006
Dearest,
I am about to attempt to write once more. Attempt,
being the operative word. It’s been ages since I’ve last come up with a decent
piece of literature, creative or otherwise. It seems that I have lost my mojo
along with your departure. I swore to give up writing when you left. As a
matter of fact I swore to give up a lot of things then. But circumstances
change. People change. I can now will myself to utter your name without even
flinching. I think I’m making progress. After all, it’s been six months. Six
morbid months of introspection and affirmation. I now understand. Although I
still encounter episodes of loath and aversion towards you, I am finally
picking up the pieces of my broken ego. To tell you frankly, I have mourned for
you. There wasn’t a day that my heart didn't seem to explode whenever I thought of
you. To see your face in every person I go out with was torture in itself. I’ll
spare you the gory details since this letter is supposed to be the final note
in the bittersweet symphony that has been playing in my head. Instead, let me
thank you for making me the person I am today. Thank you for altering my
thoughts on love. Love, after all, is just a popular sentiment often appealed
to by the weak of heart and mind. In reality, love is merely a fallacy; its
truth only imagined and misconstrued. Don’t get me wrong though. I have not
become a cynic. It’s just that I have become a non-believer. Thank you for
giving me the opportunity to restructure my belief system. If it weren’t for
you I would still be wasting my time chasing an illusion that could possibly
land me in a psych ward sooner or later. You have been my wake up call—harsh
and brutal but nonetheless effective. I would gladly return the favor, if not
to you then to someone else. Just as I was, there’s always a willing victim
dying to bare her body and soul to an indifferent lover. And like you, I, too,
shall evanesce.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
once more... with feelings...
I want to know how
it will end.
I want to be sure of what it will cost.
I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me.
I want you to call me on your drug phone.
I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later.
I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire.
I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win.
I want the name of the ruiner.
I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn.
I want you to know that being kind is overrated.
I want to measure how much torture we can stand.
I want to know where your altruism went.
I want to watch you lose control.
I want to watch you lose.
I want to know exactly what it's going to take.
I want to see you insert yourself into glory.
I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been.
I want you to watch when I go down in flames.
I want to crush the thing you love just so you know I can.
I want a list of atrocities done in your name.
I want to work both sides of the fence.
I want to have two cats so when one dies one will eat the other
- and nothing will be wasted.
I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back.
I want you to turn tender when you have the time.
I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer.
I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open.
I want to find a way for you to survive all this.
I want to taste my own kind.
I want America to be socialized around creation instead of fear.
I want to meet your host virus.
I want to charm your sleep captain.
I want everyone to see the tiara break.
I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side.
I want you to play it to me over the phone.
I want you to make a scorching debut.
I want you to come on strong.
I want the television left on so I can sleep.
I want to crunch the numbers.
I want you to write your life story and leave me out of it.
I want to write my secret across your sky.
I want to keep you in the dark.
I want to leave you out in the cold.
I want to voice my concerns.
I want the exact same thing but different.
I want some soft drugs, some soft soft drugs.
I want to throw you.
I want to know if I'll ever be safe in the dark.
I want to decide who next year's dead rock stars will be.
I want you to know I know.
I want to speak hot metal fluently.
I want to know why you're starting to look like the last one.
I want just enough rope to hang you.
I want to hurt myself before you do, because I can do it better.
I want to coax the keys from your hand.
I want to throttle the bottle blonde because I know what she did.
I want to know if you read me.
I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit.
I want to silver your hands.
I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do.
I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted.
I want a controlling interest.
I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die.
I want to be your secret hater.
I want to stop destroying you but I can't.
I want and I want and I want and I will always be hungry.
~ Nicole
Blackman, What I Want for Christmas (and other holidays where we speak of
dead men)
Thursday, December 22, 2005
WISH YOU WERE HERE
So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have you found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
my foundation was rocked
my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time
we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant
I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am
you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
the moment has once again arrived for "the play list". I've done the selection. Up to you to download.
- BITCH [DOPE]
- THE BREAK UP SONG
[AMERICAN HI-FI]
- RUN [SNOW PATROL]
- I LOVE YOU, I’LL KILL YOU
[ENIGMA]
- THREE LITTLE WORDS [NU
FLAVOR]
- UNTITLED 1 [SIGUR ROS]
- WHY SHOULD I CRY FOR YOU
[CULTURED PEARLS]
- BECAUSE I’M A GIRL [KISS]
- LET IT DIE [FEIST]
- GOODBYE [JAGGED EDGE]
- BROKEN [SEETHER f. AMY
LEE]
- READY FOR LOVE [INDIA
ARIE]
- THE PERFECT ENDING
[STRAYLIGHT RUN]
- SOMETHING I CAN NEVER HAVE
[NINE INCH NAILS]
- PEARLS [SADE]
- LONELINESS IS WORSE
[VERUCA SALT]
- NEVER HAD NO ONE EVER
[SMITHS]
- HERE’S WHERE THE STORY
ENDS [THE SUNDAYS]
- GHOST IN YOU [PSYCHEDELIC
FURS]
- SET ADRIFT ON MEMORY BLISS
[PM DAWN]
- WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL SO
BAD? [MOBY]
- BLUE [JAYHAWKS]
- NYC [INTERPOL]
- SOFTER SOFTEST [HOLE]
- BRING ON THE DANCING
HORSES [ECHO AND THE BUNNYMEN]
- ORDINARY WORLD [DURAN
DURAN]
- SPACE ODDITY [DAVID BOWIE]
- PICTURES OF YOU [THE CURE]
- LATELY [BRITISH SEA POWER]
- TENDER [BLUR]
- ROCK N ROLL BABYLON [LOVE
AND ROCKETS]
- AND I’M ACHING [BLACK
REBEL MOTORCYCLE CLUB]
- CYCLONS IN LOVE [BENT]
- BRICK [BEN FOLDS FIVE]
- LOST CAUSE [BECK]
- OSCAR BROWN [BAXTER DURY]
- THE SHINING [BADLY DRAWN
BOY]
- ON AND ON [THE LONGPIGS]
- PURPLE RAIN [PRINCE]
- FATHER FIGURE [GEORGE
MICHAEL]
- SECRET [OMD]
- KINGDOM OF RAIN [THE THE
W/ SINEAD O'CONNOR]
- MAD WORLD [MICHAEL
ANDREWS]
- WAKE UP DEAD MAN [U2]
- JOEY [CONCRETE BLONDE]
- LET DOWN [RADIOHEAD]
- FADE INTO YOU [MAZZY STAR]
- MOTHERS OF THE DISAPPEARED
[U2]
- SWEET JANE [COWBOY
JUNKIES]
- PERFECT DAY [LOU REED]
- YOUR BLUE ROOM [U2]
- SACRIFICE [SINEAD O'CONNOR]
- LOVE WILL TEAR US APART
[JOY DIVISION]
- THIN LINE [JURASSIC 5]
- GENERATOR [BAD RELIGION]
- IT’S GOOD TO BE IN LOVE
[FROU FROU]
- SING FOR ABSOLUTION [MUSE]
- HEAR YOU ME [JIMMY EAT
WORLD]
- WELCOME TO LAST YEAR
[FAIRWEATHER]
- CROSS OUT THE EYES
(ACOUSTIC) [THURSDAY]
- STAND INSIDE YOUR LOVE
[SMASHING PUMPKINS]
- EVERYTHING MEANS NOTHING
TO ME [ELLIOTT SMITH]
- EVERYTHING REMINDS ME OF
HER [ELLIOTT SMITH]
- EVERYBODY KNOWS [DENALI]
- TINY VESSELS [DEATH CAB
FOR CUTIE]
- PINK BULLETS [THE SHINS]
- THIS TIME IMPERFECT [AFI]
- HOLD [SAVES THE DAY]
- BELIEVER [BEN KWELLER]
- REST OF MY LIFE [RILO
KILEY]
- DEAREST FORSAKEN [IRON AND
WINE]
- DEAR JAMIE [HELLO GOODBYE]
- LIVING IN YOUR LETTERS
[DASHBOARD CONFESSIONALS]
- TROUBLE [COLDPLAY]
- BLOW OUT [RADIOHEAD AND
PORTISHEAD]
- CLOSEST THING TO PERFECT
[JULIANA THEORY]
- ARGUMENT [FUGAZI]
- NO ONE ELSE [SEMISONIC]
- A RUSH OF BLOOD TO THE
HEAD [COLDPLAY]
- IF THERE IS A CHANCE [THE
CARDIGANS]
- OUT OF THIS WORLD [BUSH]
- SO LIKE A ROSE [GARBAGE]
- WHEN I DROWN [AUDIOVENT]
- I REMEMBER YOU [SKID ROW]
- YOU [RADIOHEAD]
- BREATHE [PINK FLOYD]
- BREAKIN’ THE GIRL [RED HOT
CHILLI PEPPERS]
- PAYBACK [SLAYER]
- SO COLD [BREAKING
BENJAMIN]
- GOODBYE TO ROMANCE [OZZY
ORBOURNE]
- LAST DANCE [THE CURE]
- THE LAST DAY OF OUR
ACQUAINTANCE [SINNEAD O’CONNOR]
- MISS YOU LOVE
[SILVERCHAIR]
- SONG FOR THE DUMPED [BEN
FOLDS FIVE]
- YOU WERE MINE [DIXIE CHICKS]
- WOUND [SMASHING PUMPKINS]
- MR. BRIGHTSIDE [KILLERS]
- ROADS [PORTISHEAD]
- LET GO [FROU FROU]
- HERE WITHOUT YOU [3 DOORS DOWN]
